Hello, world. It’s been kind of a while since I’ve posted… well, anything. So I thought I would check in and just let you all know what’s up.
I’ve officially moved back to Fort Worth, TX; I’ve been here for the last few months which is exciting! The only real difficulty I’ve had is figuring out what I’m going to do professionally. While I would love to be writing here, there really isn’t a lot that I can do without a journalism degree; in all honesty it’s been a little disheartening trying to apply for jobs. I just got my application in for a graduate program at TCU for teaching, so I’m really, really excited about the possibility!
I would be lying if I said that I haven’t been struggling these last few months. I’ve been trying to get back to normal after getting hip surgery; I can’t be teaching fitness classes anymore in my state and might need my other hip done soon too. It’s been a struggle trying to feel normal and not let frustration stop me. I had to give up dance and doing other things that I love for the sake of my health. I wish the situation were different… honestly it’s been hard not feeling betrayed by my own body. But, as they always say, it could be worse.
As far as the job search and all of that goes, I’ve been really struggling to find not only my purpose, but my self-confidence. I was raised in an environment where so much was expected of me and with my mental illness, it just exacerbated a lot. Even though I’m obviously older and more self-aware, it does get to me sometimes. I had a mental breakdown this morning and just felt so defeated, but knowing my MI, this is how it happens. Not every day is going to be great, not every day is going to suck, it just depends. Borderline doesn’t give me a whole lot of wiggle room at times.
I’ve been reflecting a lot about what I really want to do that gives more purpose to my life and helps other people. I’ve realized through the extremely sweet messages I’ve been receiving through Instagram and otherwise that I can actually make an impact on other people. I can make an impact, even if it’s small, by talking openly about what I struggle with; maybe someone will feel a little less alone knowing that I feel the same way.
When you have a mental illness, especially something similar to what I have, it’s very easy to feel alone. It’s so easy to drift back into the thought that you’re all alone and no one else knows how you feel. It’s incredibly isolating especially in a lot of cultures where mental illness is still not openly talked about. I grew up in a “fake it ’til you make it” town where I had to hide who I was and how much I was truly hurting. Honestly, that’s a huge reason as to why I got as mentally sick as I did when I was in high school.
While some of my family members don’t really support my being candid, I think it’s important that I am. I struggled silently for so many years, was misdiagnosed for most of my life, and almost ended my life without anyone else knowing it. The fact that I am even writing this and living and breathing is practically miraculous.
I didn’t have someone to tell me that what I was feeling wasn’t unique. Sure, I had psychiatrists and therapists tell me it wasn’t uncommon. But I didn’t see anyone else talking about it. It was always talked about in hushed tones. And I wish that that would change.
I just feel really strongly that we should be able to honestly say, “I’m not okay.” That’s where we can start to work toward healing. That’s when we can make a difference and start to relate to each other on a human level. So maybe my purpose in life isn’t just to be a teacher, but to also be someone that can help start and continue the conversation.
I know I’m heading into rambling territory, but that’s just what’s on my mind. I know tomorrow will be better and I know that there is hope for me. In moments it’s hidden but I know it will be back in the forefront of my mind. If anyone reading this feels similarly, know that you aren’t alone.